


Aftercare

by little_escapist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Light Angst, Post-Episode: s12e02 Mamma Mia, Season/Series 12, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-08-23 18:39:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8338423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/little_escapist/pseuds/little_escapist
Summary: A little ficlet set right after the episode Mamma Mia, because Sam needs some time after all he has been through.





	

**Author's Note:**

> After the episode, Tumblr was a mess of this and that. But the main thing that stays with me, time and time again, is how they don't get time to heal on this show. 
> 
> So, this is my take on it. A small moment of healing that I just had to get out of my head.

The truth is, Sam is tired. 

He’s tired and sore and the wounds on his chest pull uncomfortably when he moves. He’s used to pain though, and he doesn’t give it much thought. He keeps still, staring at the ceiling fan from his bed. He hopes this is real. Somehow, this feels more real. He can’t pinpoint it exactly, but he knows he’s really in his room, that Dean is really in the bunker somewhere, that Mom is alive and probably reading Dad’s journal right now. The hallucinations, no matter how vivid they were, seem like a dream now. They have a different quality than reality. 

Sam feels disgusted with himself. Mom asked him why he got back, and really, there’s only one reason. He said family, but family means Dean, and Dean is what family is. If it wasn’t for Dean, Sam doesn’t know what he’d do. He knows he doesn't deserve happiness, not after everything he's done, not after what this life has made him. So, hunting it is. It's all there is anymore.

He almost, almost wishes to go back to the world where he thought Dean was dead. Then he could finally end himself and find some peace. Sleep when you’re dead, some say. Sam huffs at himself. He could use that sleep now. That calm, that quiet. He doesn’t know what happens next. The only goal was to get away from Toni’s torture, and now that he’s home, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. They have no pressing matters at hand. The world is not ending, neither Dean nor Sam is dying. Sure, Lucifer is out there, and Sam has no idea what the British Men of Letters are up to. But right now the world is alright and there’s no immediate danger. 

This kind of lull is never good on Sam. He has too much time to think about himself and things he’d rather keep away. When he has to worry about the world or his brother, he can ignore himself easy enough. But now? Now his head feels like bursting and he has nothing to distract himself with. So he stays where he is, alone, and wonders about life. His choices, his mistakes. Thinking about them won’t make them go away, but Sam’s mind is working overtime at the moment. He hasn’t slept well since forever, but he can’t shut down. 

Suddenly there’s a knock on his door.  
“Yeah?”  
Dean steps in, looks at him in that way of his, when his face looks downward but his eyes search Sam’s. He closes the door and walks over. “You okay?”  
Sam laughs at that, lets out a bitter sound. “How do you think?”  
“I don’t know,” Dean shrugs. “You tell me. How’s your foot?”  
“Aches a bit, but I can manage.” Sam smiles at Dean. His brother sure started with the one thing he knows he could help with. Sam’s mind, though, that’s the thing they both know is the worst of Sam’s hurts. And Dean, Dean is not as good with mental hurt as he is with physical ones.  
“You want to talk about it?” Dean asks then, sits on the bed next to Sam’s thigh.  
“Yes and no,” Sam says truthfully, looks away. He wants to tell how bad he feels, how he wants to puke because Toni made him think of her in bed… He wants to cry and shout. He wants to ask Dean how he’s still alive. How they both are still alive.  
“Alright, scoot over.” Dean pushes at Sam’s leg, and Sam complies. When there’s enough room, Dean settles down next to Sam. Sam relishes the easy, comforting contact with his brother. There was a time when he wasn’t allowed this. But Dean, older and more comfortable with himself, doesn’t shy away from closeness anymore. This Dean faces Sam with a grim look and dares him to speak with his eyes.  
“I thought you were dead”, is what Sam leads with. Dean nods, but doesn’t tell the story behind that one. Instead, he motions Sam to keep going. Sam closes his eyes and talks, feels Dean close by, and thinks, maybe he can do this after all.


End file.
